Heart Beats

It's not the one where you show up for work only to discover you have arrived there in your "birthday suit". And it's not the one where you're being chased by a madman down a dark street. It's the one where you're back at school! Last night that was my nightmare. I've had it many times over the past 40 to 50 years although it's never exactly the same. There are variations but they're variations on the same theme. This time I am my current age and I find myself re-connected with a childhood friend (in my nightmare she's in her twenties which really is an additional nightmare since I'm not!) Anyway, she convinces me to go to grad school with her. I don't know where the school is. We have to take a bus. Trouble starts. I can't seem to find the right coins to pay to get on the bus. And I'm all thumbs. Can't pull out right change. Meanwhile my friend disappears. The bus drops me off...I don't know where. I fstart walk...

My dear friends came over for dinner last night. Her mom had passed away two weeks before. I knew her mom and loved her. She was very special and still vibrant and living life to the fullest at 91. Two weeks before she died she was playing golf. Her death come suddenly and quickly. If there is a best way I guess that's it. Because my husband and I share a very special and loving relationship with R. and her husband and because enough time had passed R. was able to reflect on some of what had gone on regarding her mom's funeral. She started this way. We were at the table and she looked across at us and said, "Never die in Florida." She started with the funeral director who called her "Hon" and her brother M. "Buddy". Oh, and since the funeral guy (I think I'll call him "Putz" - non-Jews, ask your Jewish friends what that means) didn't want to travel to R.'s mother's house to make the funeral plans he reluctantly agreed to...

Okay, I know I've already got the interest of some of you! He was a perfect stranger. (i wonder why we always say "perfect" stranger?" Anyway I have no idea if he is perfect or not. But I was quite taken with him or more accurately with his view of life...or still more accurately his view of his own life! We met at an auction. I'm a total auction addict and although I buy stuff to then sell online, I truly have discovered that I love to research antiques and collectibles and especially art; I love the excitement of bidding, winning...but I'm digressing. I sat down and then an older gentleman sat down beside me. We got to talking in between bidding. I'd noticed he was buying a lot of stuff and seemed to be so happy. I also noticed that while he jotted down the items he won just as I did, unlike me, he didn't note the amount he was paying for each item. Now we're not talking thousands here. Mostly not even hundred. But I was taken with the cavalie...

I'm not vain. Really, I'm not. Okay, I'm not totally devoid of vanity. But, honestly, I've never been one to scrutinize myself in the mirror. But I don't close my eyes when I'm brushing my teeth, putting on some make-up, combing my hair, etc. And when I'm getting out of the shower I catch a glimpse of myself in my full length mirror. I'm emphasizing glimpse because a glimpse is enough for me to say to myself "who the hell is that woman staring back at me in the mirror?" I swear I don't know her. And whoever she is, well, poor thing, she's really let herself go. I'm not going into detail. For my own sake as well as yours. Besides, I'm sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about. I'm guessing a lot of you have your own stranger living in your mirrors. But let me move on to this stranger's face. What are those little brown spots? I'm pretty sure they're not freckles. And those eye lids. Sad how they are star...

Today is my son's birthday. It's his birthday and yet...well, I was thinking...really, shouldn't I, the mom, be the one that should also be celebrated. I mean, really all you mom's out there, weren't we the ones who lugged around our ever growing bellies over nine months of pregnancy? Aren't we the ones who couln't sleep on our stomachs for many of those months? I, for one, couldn't see my feet for the last two months. I felt like a beached whale for the last month. I watched the stretch marks spreading across my belly. I spent endless times racing for bathrooms because my ever growing fetus was fighting a battle with my bladder and the fetus was winning. And then...oh boy...and then...LABOR. Let me write that again. LABOR. I spent almost eighteen hours (my husband says I exaggerate this but even if it was 12 hours, I'd like to see him have breathe-catching contractions for 12 solid hours!) And I was doing it NATURAL, the Lamaze way which meant I was...

When does vanity stop? For about a year I decided I was over it. I was tired of the battle between looking good and eating stuff that tasted good. Don't get me wrong. I've had this struggle before... dozens of times. I shifted sides so often over the years that there were times I was confused which side of the battle I was on. About a year ago I decided I had chosen sides. And I was going to stick resolutely to the eat what you love side and damn the bulges. I thought a lot about about Ginger Rogers. Maybe you don't remember Ginger but if you do you remember her from movies of the '30s she was this willowy actress/ dancer who danced fantastically with Fred Astaire. She's no longer with us. But I caught her in a movie when she was well into her seventies. OMG! She was fat. I mean seriously fat. Now I'm not saying I was willing to be seriously fat. I'm not so devoid of vanity and I do have a desire to stay in good health  so I don't mean I was willing to l...

Who took it? Where did it go? It's so bad I'm wondering... Did I ever have a mind? I can't remember. It didn't hit me at the traditional ladies birthday lunch today. We ate, we laughed, we did a thankfully brief riff on our latest ailments and mostly, mostly we talked about our kids, our grand-kids, our own childhood. Don't get me wrong, it was fun. I had fun. I think we all had fun. Well, maybe some more than others. One of the ladies did try to bring up something else, something a bit more...serious. Problem was she could only remember a part of the name of the politician she was going to bring up for discussion. I was impressed. I couldn't even remember that much of his name. And so it was back to the usual topics. Did I ever have anything deep to talk about? Beecause....seriously, I am having trouble having a serious conversation about well, anything serious and I don't know if I'd feel better knowing it's always been this way or if I'm l...